I have been feeling a bit sad lately... One of those times where you fall into a funk and at first can't quite pinpoint what's bothering you. Thankfully I have a whole host of incredible tools at my disposal now to help me work through these feelings, tools that last year I had never considered using. As I was tapping during my own makeshift EFT healing session, and intermittently soaking in presence (you MUST check out Bentinho Massaro's work if you haven't before), I realized what was at the core of that sadness.
I felt powerless. There are many situations in my life at the moment, that when unpacked, leave me with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. I realized I felt small, weak, and that I had no other choice but to accept certain situations that were simply, out of my control. And if you are anything like me, being out of control is a very scary feeling. It's like grasping for something to hold on to while you're falling faster and faster, with no end in sight.
So then the conclusion trap kicks in. My solution? To conclude that a certain outcome will happen - even if it's unfavorable, because certainty is more comfortable to me than soaking in the unknown. I realized that my fear of "losing my power" was so terrifying and overwhelming, that I would do anything to "take that power back" by backhanding the situation to conclude it was done or that I was in favor of the current status. Now there is always something to be said for accepting what is and letting go of what you cannot control. But it was my fear behind that acceptance, behind the release, that I needed to address.
Because what if we don't need to come to a conclusion? What if by being in the beautiful present moment, there are infinite possibilities and things can ALWAYS change. What if we don't need to grasp at air to frantically grab for our power back? And what if we never lost it in the first place? I realized this idea of losing my power to another person or to a circumstance was awful to me, but that it all stemmed from LACK. Doesn't all misery?
I feared "losing my power" to another person, thinking that they would have "more" than me, and I therefor would be "less" then them. But as I continue to breakthrough these illusions and limiting beliefs, I am understanding that if I am an abundant spiritual being - then there would never be a lack of power. That if I gave away every ounce of power in me, even every physical thing that makes me "powerful" in the eyes of another, I could recreate it all. I could reattain everything I've ever seemingly "lost".
I am beginning to see that if our true power is never a physical thing, never something we could lose because we are all one - and what you give to another you give to yourself. If power is nothing but a conditioned idea based in duality, holding only the meaning we give it in the field of relativity concerning "more" and "less"... then we have nothing to fear. So perhaps surrendering to the concept of being "powerless", in physical terms, to obtain a greater sense of our true power, is just another step in Self Realization.
It was a concept I had never particularly thought much about, or even honestly thought would apply to me. But I can see now how deeply that concept has been woven throughout my life and back into my early childhood. That deeply ingrained fear of being powerless had never been addressed in my awareness until now, but feels as if a huge piece of the puzzle just clicked into place.
It's funny to me, the further I travel down this road of Self Realization and inner awareness, the more I seem to make sense to myself. I used to live in a constant state of "I don't know". I didn't know how I was feeling, or what was causing me to feel that way. Or why I did the things I did, or said the things I did. I felt the strong distinction between my little self and my Higher Self, the observer and the ego. Yet I thought they were both equal, both real, and both me. Now, the more I learn of the illusions and tricks our ego can play on us, the more things are beginning to make sense.